Interpersonal Communication Blog 2

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been told that I am what they refer to as an “old soul.” That’s one thing about me that has always managed to stay consistent over the years. When I was younger I was more mature than my best friends. I caught on very quickly to what personalities were and how they affect certain people’s behaviors, but I really liked to observe people quietly because I was shy. Thinking back to my childhood it’s interesting how everyone’s personalities were so pure and uncorrupted. This didn’t seem to last long though because once we settled into our different friend groups, everything changed. Our friends and family morphed our original blueprints into our own concept of ourselves based on their own perceptions of us. We all acted like little sponges absorbing what they had to say about us. It’s lovely when you are young and oblivious. You don’t think badly of yourself and you just enjoy life. Well up until someone made fun of you about something. You did not know to be self conscious. Not until someone taught you to be. My best friends were the kind of children who often bullied others and started rumors. I saw them break kids down and they eventually broke me down while they were at it too. They definitely changed me as a person. I became someone who was not strong themselves, but who was strong for others. Even though I wasn’t strong I presented myself to them as strong. I wanted others to be able to come to me for help and I never turned anyone away. I became the person who helped those people that my friends broke, pick up their pieces and rebuild. We all ended up bonding over our experiences, and so eventually I was able to pick myself back up as well. It was such a shame that I had to learn in elementary school how strongly people can change your perception of self. I was once carefree about who I was, but after they ripped me apart I strayed from who I was. Often I found myself comparing who I was and how I looked to how my best friends looked and who they were. This went on all the way into high school. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and like nothing I did would ever make me into anything comparable to their greatness. They shined so brightly, and I stood next to them in the shadows. Of course, they wanted me to feel this way all along. None of it was actually true at all. Their words of belittlement had just gotten to me. When they bullied me it was always behind my back. They were nice to my face, but would call me things like fat or ugly when I wasn’t around. My days of being carefree crumbled. The self consciousness set in and every move I made was hesitant so not to draw any negative attention to myself. There is a term called reflected appraisal. It’s basically looking into a metaphorical mirror and seeing what we believe others to see us as. My view of myself was awful and nothing anyone else besides what those bullies said would change it. It took so many years to regain the confidence I have nowadays. I won’t lie though, to this day everything they did to me all those years ago still haunts me. I hate thinking back to middle school and how much grief they gave me. Oddly enough though, I’d like to thank them. If they hadn’t done those things to me, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be able to help all the people I was able to because I knew what it felt like to be going through what they were. In class when we did the “Who Am I” project I was really nervous of how others would see me. I felt like I was staring old feelings in the face all over again. Someone wrote that I have a nice laugh, and someone else said they though I was beautiful. I know a lot of people say things like that on a whim, but I was crying internally of happiness. My old friends used to say my laugh was ugly and I was too. It just hit me that maybe not everyone thinks that anymore. Maybe the only one who does now is me because I haven’t completely let go. I really loved that activity as well as the “My Life is a Lie” project. Both put us in a vulnerable setting but left room to be supported by our classmates. I’m very appreciative of the experience overall.