Interpersonal Communications Blog #5

We hear a lot of sounds everyday, but it’s not until you begin to listen that you are able to transform those sounds and decode them. Certain sounds transform into language, while others may blend into background noise. When you walk down the street and truly listen, what kinds of things do you hear? Listen for comfortable everyday chatter. Then listen for more unique in-depth interactions. Did you overhear a passionate confession between two partners or maybe a lover’s quarrel on a front stoop? When the mailman was talking to the old woman on the corner, did he stop to actually listen to how her day was going after he asked, or did his response feel robotically programmed? We hear sounds, but we do not always put in the effort to actually listen to them. In many cases, people love to talk about their days, yet when the tables are flipped we do not always want to listen to how other people’s were. Mindless listening occurs when a person reacts to another’s message automatically and routinely, without much personal investment. I am guilty of mindless listening to others, just as they have done it to me. It is impossible to be one hundred percent invested in every conversation you have twenty-four seven. You would be so worn out. So never get too down on yourself for accidentally doing it, but being aware of how often you do it is important. People appreciate heartfelt feedback to the things they took the time to share with you. So even on your worst days, where nothing has gone right and you are ready to blow your top, listen to the things they have to say with a smile and talk with them about their day. When you support others, they will more often than not support you back. Give them a couple minutes of your time and really listen to what they have to say. Then they will listen to what you have to say in return. By you actively listening to them, it tells them you value them. Another way to show people you value them is letting them know that you can recall previous information they have disclosed to you. For example, saying to your friend that hates chocolate, “I remembered you don’t like chocolate so I got us sugar cookies instead.” Remembering the little things someone told you gives them a special feeling and makes them more inclined to remember things about you. It shows that not only were you listening, but you took the care to remember that fact about them. I personally love when people take the time to remember things I’ve told them. I try very hard to write down important things about my friends (Birthdays, favorite colors, etc.) so that if my memory ever fails me, I always have them. I like to believe that my ability to recall what my friends say has helped me strengthen relationships with them. Now on the flip side, an example of listening that can breakdown relationships is called selective listening. Selective listening is only listening to parts of remarks that interest us and rejecting everything else. We do this when we hear commercials on television while listening for the show we were watching to come back on. You most likely couldn’t tell us anything about that commercial, because all you were listening for was the cue that your show was back on. Another form of listening is called pseudolistening. Pseudolistening is an imitation of actually listening. It is like an act put on to fool the speaker. You give the appearance that you are attentive to what they are saying and may even use a nod or a smile every now or again. Yet, your mind is elsewhere. I admit to doing this when my mother gives me a verbal list of things to complete that’s more than three jobs long, or when my sister is lecturing me. Later I find myself asking, “What was I supposed to be doing today?” or “What was my sister yelling at me about?” I am worse about it when I’m tired. My attention span goes out the window and I only hear things that I deem important in that moment. Stress and exhaustion are major causes of people switching into mindless, selective, or pseudolistening modes. It may be super frustrating when you’re on the receiving end, but let’s face it. We all are guilty of doing it. It’s important to be understanding about it to a certain extent. After all, we are only human. Listen to what people have to say and don’t take their words for granted. You don’t know what words could be someone’s last.